Some rules for the season....

I was looking through my plethora of archived stuff from days of internet past, and I came across an old sff.net post I found particularly funny circling around horror movie survival. In the spirit of keeping such things alive, I wanted to share it and keep it alive.

As such I present to you Mark Simmons guide to surviving a Horror Movie. Chapter 1...tha basics.

THE BASICS

1)  DO NOT go into the dark room.  Never, EVER go IN/OUT there (THERE also being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake).  

2)  Even though you're really sure that the monster is dead, DO NOT bend over it or kneel beside it "to make sure."  Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough to cease being a threat to you.  If you've shot it, shoot it again--in the head, and remember to shoot until it stops moving.  Then keep shooting until you run out of ammo.  Then reload and shoot it some more.  Then set it on fire and burn it to ashes.  Clean all surrounding areas with acid baths and rinse with lye.  

3)  If, at any point during #2, you discover that you are dealing with a demon or spirit, none of the above will have much effect:  get the hell out of there!   

4)  When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or "go it alone."   

5)  Take your cues by listening carefully to the soundtrack and, when all else fails, pay attention to the audience:  they are far more intelligent that any of you sad sacks that are currently slated as monster fodder.

6)  Never stay in any room or area in which the music is primarily composed of shrieking, staccato violins:  leave the area immediately.  (See #5)

7)  Never, Never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we could learn from them."  Shoot anyone else expressing these sentiments.

8)  Don't make fun of or play with dead things.

9)  Make sure that your weapon(s) are loaded at all times and check the safety before you try to use it.

10)  If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive and safe, you probably aren't awake, yet.

11)  If someone who seems important, has more experience, has lived "around here forever" tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T go into the woods, DON'T go down into the cellar, DON'T go into the water, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself), by all means, listen to them!   (Unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.)

12)  Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side. 

13)  Never stand or sit near a window.

14)  Don't work the night shift.

15)  If it's your first movie, you're probably dead.

16)  All myths and legends have a basis in fact...

17)  The boogie-man is NEVER really dead.

18)  Stay indoors on the night of a full moon.

19)  Choose your friends and relatives wisely. 
    Good choices:   chaste teenage girls, any preteen girls (excluding those who stand in circles and act like adults or speak in someone else's voice, as cited elsewhere), good dogs, younger assistants to world-famous scientists.
    Bad choices:   security guards, law-enforcement and other municipal officials, teachers/professors, executives of companies with questionable environmental/scientific practices, psychiatrists specialized in criminal pathology, obnoxious ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girls, and of course promiscuous teenage girls. 

20)  Fog is not romantic.

21)  Nothing ever good has come after the following phrases have been said:  "Let's play." / "Now just calm down." / "Did you hear (or feel or smell) that?" / "What could go wrong?" / "I'll just be a minute." / "What's this?" / "I've got a bad feeling about this." / "Why are you wearing that silly mask?" / "I don't see anything--" (Usually cut off by a blood curdling scream, or just cut off usually when the person's head separates from his body) / "Give me a break!" / "What are you doing with that _______?" (insert any sharp or dangerous item in blank) / "You're kidding, right? " / "This can't be happening!" / "Ready or not, here I come!"  (If this phrase is said during a game of hide and seek...forget it. It is not part of the game you were originally playing)

22)  Hiding in your sleeping bag won't make the monster go away...

23)  When your flashlight batteries die, and they will, so will you.

24)  Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny.

25)  Stay away from the following: Anything that has an overabundance of y's and th's in it's name ('Nyarlathotep, Yog-Sothoth, etc.) / Anybody who's first and last name begins with the same letter / 'Exciting' people.  (The more boring you are, the less involved in the movie you are, and the greater your chance of survival) / Certain directors such as John Carpenter, David Cronenberg, and any Italian horror director. (They always stick those damn trick endings in) / New England / Any profession that requires special tools, such as dentists, cartographers, 'do-it-yourselfers', doctors, etc. / Anyone who's unfaithful to their Significant Other / Anything that begins with 'Great Old' or 'Elder'--Religion in any form / Outboard motors / Writing utensils / Books of ANY sort! This cannot be stressed enough! Even a harmless-looking children's book will turn out to be Evil ('See Dick. See Cthulhu. See Dick see Cthulhu. See Dick go insane.') / 'Experimental' procedures. They're more trouble than they're worth, ESPECIALLY if they work / Meat / Vegetables / Electrical outlets / Sources of radiation


26) Remember, you DON'T find your friends quicker if you split up. 

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HOME, SWEAT HOME

1)  If the house that you are living in tells you to "GO AWAY," remember that "real estate knows best" and you should do so immediately.

2)  Never take a bath or shower while a maniac / spirit / demon / creature is loose in the house.

3)  If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, ancient burial ground, entrance to Hell, or was once a church that was used for black masses; had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion; or had inhabitants who indulged in necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

4)  Do not search the basement--especially when the power has just gone out.

5)  Don't reach under the bed without looking.  (See rule #6)

6)  Don't look under the bed.

7)  If the plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.

8)  If priests, rabbis, and other religious types* won't or can't enter your house, start looking for a new home.   (*By "religious types" we do not mean to include Carrie's mother, the weird preacher from Poltergeist II, or any other psychotically twisted religious poseurs.)

9)  Do not move into a fully automated, computer controlled house.

10)  Get as much information as you can about the previous tenants of your new home before you move in--it will just save you aggravation in the long run.

11)  When walking down the same hallway you've walked down a million times before in your house, turn the lights on.   When in doubt, run--do not walk--past any open doors or adjacent halls.

12)  Never situate your desk in such a way that your back is toward the door, window or hall.  Ditto for couches in front of TVs.  Position all furniture against sturdy walls.

13)  If the power goes out in your home, look out of a window at the street lights and neighbor's houses.  If their power is out, too, just calm down and take a nap.  If your house is the only one that's dark, then leave immediately.

14)  Never ever assume the person at the door is someone you know.

15)  If you see someone that you do recognize at the door, initiate a conversation, check their face for blank, lifeless expressions, and make sure no one's behind them, holding them up with a pitchfork.


16)  If your parents are out of town and you live in the country or up in the hills, don't have a party / invite extra people over / go out alone to travel to a friends house. 



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BUILDINGS / REAL ESTATE

1)  Anything listed under "AT HOME" goes double here.

2)  Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.

3)  Before moving into a house, be sure to check for the following structural imperfections:  (A) Doors or paper-thin walls that can be broken down easily by shambling corpses.  
(B) Windows built close to the ground that permit creepy-crawlies to ooze freely onto the premises.   
(C) Creaking floors that can alert serial killers to your presence.  
(D) Whispering walls.  (Hint: this is not normal; ignore the overly-motivated realtor).  
(E) Unusual closets or other alcoves that might contain unusual objects or creatures.  
(F) Storage spaces beneath stairways.  
(G) Sealed rooms, walled-up doors, tunnels of any sort, and wells that go all the way down to Hell.   
(H) Regarding basements and attics:  make sure nothing has died in either room before you moved in.

4)  Never stand in, on, above, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead in any shape, form, or permutation.

5)  If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a damn good reason.  If no one else sane, healthy, or normal is spending time there then you shouldn't either! 

6)  Stay away from certain geographical locations, including Amity Island, Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine, Massachusetts, or Texas.

7)  If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town.  Check that; move out of the county.

8)  Never loiter about, below, beside, or near a window--especially those that would appear to be more easily shattered.

9)  Never put your back to or lean against a door.

10)  Never open a door to a closet or the outside:  the bad thing is just on the other side, waiting...

11)  If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

12)  If you discover that the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, strange deaths, bizarre suicides, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, LEAVE.

13)  Never take the dare to spend the night in a haunted house, tomb, mausoleum, or cemetery.

14)  A small-town's little summer celebration sounds like fun, but if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even *have* the barbecue without you!", run like hell.

15)  Remember:  quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about corn . . .

16)  Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns.  Go for the brand names.

17)  If the living dead are outside and the windows are boarded up don't go near them.  Carpentry skills and reliable building materials aren't what they used to be.

18)  DON'T hide in a barn, warehouse or other enclosed area with only one exit!

19)  Avoid houses where portraits have moving eyes, the taps drip blood, and the dog begins pawing at the wall for no reason.

20)  Anytime you find yourself in a hospital where only 5 people seem to be working and most of the patients' rooms are empty, check yourself out and take your chances on the street with a box of band-aids and a bottle of aspirin.

21)  Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.

22)  If the rest of the house is well lit and you hear a strange sound coming from the only room whose light switch doesn't work...think about it.  Circuit breakers do not include sound effects: get the heck out of there.

23)  Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.

24)  If you're being chased by a giant, radioactive monster, Subways, Skyscrapers, Nuclear Power Plants or (God help you!) the Tokyo Tower are not good places to hide.  In general, giant radioactive monsters have a strong preference for destroying famous landmarks (Eiffel Tower, White House etc.), as opposed to lesser known structures.

25)  Ditto for hostile aliens in giant motherships...

26)  If you're being chased by zombies, get in a room and lock the door: they're too stupid to turn the handle.

27)  Don't ever try to open a door that has been sealed for a long time or if you don't know what reason it was sealed for.  There is about a 95.7% chance that it was done for a very good reason.

28)  Don't get locked in any building or business after hours.

29)  Do not keep Venus flytraps on/near nuclear research facilities.

30)  Always try and stay in the center of the room, keeping away from suspiciously low-lit corners, UNLESS there's a peculiar design on the floor or a chandelier overhead--either one means you're as good as dead.

31)  When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries.

32)  Sudden or unexpected noises coming from the tool shed are generally bad.  Investigating such noises is generally even worse.

33)  Don't stay at Farmer Vincent's Motel.  (And you don't even want to know what "kinds of critters" are in "Farmer Vincent's fritters.")

34)  When realizing there are over 10 dead people in the woods, don't lock yourself in a deserted house in which the phone lines are dead.

35)  If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about bogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.

36)  Try to avoid going into fruit cellars of old abandoned cabins.

37)  The "Keep Out" sign is probably there for a very good reason.

38)  Never be in an isolated place.

39)  Wax museums are always a bad idea and should be totally avoided after midnight.

40) Abandoned towns with wax museums are even worse.

41)  Don't hold seances in any place where people have died, or dead bodies are stored, or any place of the dead, for that matter.   You'll most likely conjure up some demons that will possess you and your friends.   Oh, heck:  just DON'T hold seances.  ANYWHERE!

42)  Uproot all funny-looking plants.  Then burn them.


43)  If you ever see a neon sign where certain letters are missing, in the correct configuration to produce a word with a sinister connotation, totally avoid the premises! 

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Items

1)  Never read a book of demon summoning aloud--not even as a joke.

2)  As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

3)  If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent and leave the area.

4)  If trees, TVs, closets, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.

5)  If appliances start operating by themselves, you ARE in danger!

6)  Do not take (or borrow or steal) anything that belongs to the dead.

7)  If you find something that you can't identify but appears to be alive, DON'T pick it up or touch it--with anything.

8)  Don't play with Ouija boards.  If you do and the Ouija board starts moving by itself, STOP playing and leave.

9)  Tarot cards:  see Rule #8.

10)  Never play strip tarot.

11)  If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house / car / pockets / etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY!   (Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.)

12)  Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.

13)  Never open any box, coffin, crate, or anything that has been chained, nailed, welded, or wax-sealed shut--especially if it's been well hidden for a long time.

14)  If you receive a strange object with directions, FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS TO THE LETTER!

15)  If the strange object is a small furry creature that isn't supposed to be exposed to bright sunlight, water, or fed after midnight, PAY ATTENTION!  (and see rule #14)

16)  Never open canisters, especially if they're government owned.  Any military containers that accidentally get mailed to you should be sent right back.  And never, ever hit a container to test how strong it is.

17)  Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (i.e. flying saucers, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc. ...)

18)  If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw.  (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice, do not bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer's power go out.)

19)  If you do entomb an item or monster in ice (Godzilla, the Blob, etc.) make sure that the location is not well known.  (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice, or detonating A-Bombs.)

20)  Don't mess with objects that you have NO earthly idea what they are.  They will either conjure up the evil creature, or teleport you to alternate worlds.

21)  Any seed pods approximately the size and/or shape of a human being should be destroyed immediately.   Burn them or hack them to shreds (a few squirts of Roundup will not suffice).

22)  Giant eggs of any kind should also be destroyed and, for Pete's sake, don't try to cook and eat them.

23)  Breaking mirrors usually does make a difference in horror movies.

24)  NEVER go back for anything you lost.  Anywhere.

25)  Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks.

26)  Don't buy antiques from strange, magic stores.  While it won't do what the owner tells 
you it will do, it WILL do SOMETHING.

27)  Do not EVER look in mirrors.  Not only will it cause permanent psychological damage (your reflection will show you as a hideous monster / demon / mutant / corpse / vampire), it will show you doing the kind of things that would get you sent to the electric chair if you were actually caught doing them (thereby insinuating that you have been wanting to do these things all your life but just didn't know it).  Also, while you are gazing in horror at these things, the hideous monster / demon / corpse / vampire will sneak up on you.

28)  Never wear a uniform and/or badge.  You will definitely die within ten minutes.

29)  If a scroll has been written with blood on human skin, never break the seal.

30)  Never take anything from a scientific lab.

31)  Never attempt to investigate an electrical object that is working, but not plugged in.


32)  Don't open canisters that contain gas that supposedly re-animates the dead. 

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Dolls

1)  ANY and ALL dolls are bad!  If you see any type of doll at all, whether it be action figure or an African tribal totem, BURN IT!

2)  If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house / car / pockets / etc., move to another country IMMEDIATELY!   Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.

3)  Never slap around or make fun of a doll because it is possessed by an evil spirit and it will come to life and kill you.

4)  Never have puppets lying or hanging around in your room, eventually, they will become possessed and try to kill you.

5)  Dolls are inherently evil.  Consider them as "Action Figures" for demonic spirits.

6)  Never buy your kids a toy that talks back.

7)  Make friends with a puppet named Jester.

8)  A walking puppet with no strings is not cute.


9)  Avoid any doll named "Talking Tina."

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Animals

1) If pets come back from the dead, lock your doors and windows and call Animal Control immediately.

2) If you're searching for the source of a strange noise and find that it was just the cat, LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY.

3) If any animals, such as Birds, Piranha, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.

4) If you keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second.

5) If a dog, cat, or horse begins to behave in an erratic fashion in a particular person's presence, avoid that person at all costs (even if it is your spouse or child).

6) If you ever hear any howling, even if it does sound normal, DO NOT assume it is the neighbor's dog!!!

7) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival.  Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master.  Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!

8) If you are a bad dog, you WILL be dead by the movie's end.  Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.

9) If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.

10) If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS!  Your species will triumph and rule all in the end. 

11) If a maniac or monster or zombie is trying to get into your house, don't decide to try and find your lost cat or dog.  Give it up, Fido and Fluffy are dead already.  And, even if they aren't, Pet Stores in safe communities abound with replacement kitties and doggies once you've saved your own skin.

12) Never feed anything after midnight.

13) Follow all care instruction of strange animals to the letter.


14) If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, either take the hint and leave the vicinity with it, or run the hell away FROM it. 

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Kids, What's the Matter with Kids Today?

1)  If your children speak to you in Latin, ancient Sumerian, or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own--especially if it doesn't sound human--shoot them at once.  You'll have to do it sooner or later and it will save you a lot of grief in the long run.  (Note: it's unlikely that they will die easily so be prepared.)

2)  If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious.  If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once.  If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible but expect to die anyway because you are inferior to them.

3)  Discourage your parents from taking jobs as winter caretakers at secluded mountain-top hotels.

4)  If you are a child, don't panic!  Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers.  Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed.  So cheer up!  (See the ONE exception under SPLISH, SPLASH)

5)  Usually the little kid has the best ideas for avoiding things that might maim or mangle you.  Listen to him or her!

6)  Children should not play with dead things.

7)  If young children band together to stop the end of the world, defeat the evil aliens / monsters / walking dead / psycho killers, give them some credit and help them as best you can.


8)  When a little girl can make fires start just by thinking about them, don't mess with her or her family.

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People

1) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along.  Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples and you're the odd guy/gal out.  And, if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving them to the place.

2) If friends or relatives come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask, "What did you come back to do?"

3) If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY!  Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, remarry. . .

4) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as quickly as possible.

5) If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.

6) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, nailguns, hedge clippers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, power drills, soldering irons, or any device made from deceased companions.

7) Beware of figures wearing masks that cover only the left side of their face, look like Captain Kirk, are primarily utilized for tending goal in ice hockey, or look like the motif mask from the Scream series.

8) Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person.  This goes double if he / she / it resembles Santa Claus in any way, shape, or form.  Just say "No, no, no!" to "Ho ho ho!"

9) If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you.  Worry about funerals and proper burials later.

10) People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape.  At best, their deaths will momentarily distract the monster; at worst, you may be distracted and delayed by encountering their flayed and mutilated corpses at some point.

11) If you come to the conclusion that the people in your town / county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise:  DO NOT call the police or any other group or persons of authority.  They are either:  (A) already taken over themselves and will turn you in for processing or (B) will not believe you, probably laugh at you, and quite possibly sedate and/or lock you up for your own "safety."  Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

12) When a old man walks up to you and says "go away or you shall die!"; humor him: run like hell.

13) Avoid men in black.

14) Avoid men and/or women with pointy teeth.

15) Avoid people with lots of facial hair.

16) Avoid people with pale complexion who moan and sway.

17) Don't associate yourself with people who have access to virgins' blood and speak in Latin.

18) When Granny starts frothing at the mouth it's time to send her to the retirement home.

19) Your dog can take care of itself... So can your spouse... And your kids....

20) Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you save will usually die anyway.

21) If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask: "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain.  Just tell them to run as you go by.  If they're really your friend they'll follow.  If not--that's their tough luck.

22) If your girlfriend dies, don't try to revive her with modern software.

23) If a man with pointed teeth asks you to invite him into your house...do I really have to explain this one?

24) It doesn't matter if their Lucky Charms are magically delicious, steer clear of Leprechauns!

25) If someone starts arguing whatever solution you come up with, get rid of them ASAP.  They're likely to try and steal your girl, push you into the pit or not open the door when you need IN!  You'll probably have to shoot them before it's all over--if the monster doesn't get him first.

26) If you meet someone who has no reason to be there, chances are it's them doing the killing.

27) If the police who are protecting you from a killer are sitting outside your house in their squad car, they're either already dead or just about to die:  fugeddaboutem!

28) If the locals advice you to stick to the road, stay off the moors and beware the moon, remember: They're the Locals!  THEY KNOW THE TERRITORY BETTER THAN YOU!

29) If you survive an attack by a werewolf and your dead friend, who wasn't so lucky, visits you from beyond the grave to tell you that the next full moon you will spout hair and fangs, believe him and kill yourself.  The dead ARE experienced and give far more reliable advice than the living.

30) Check your nanny's references before you let her near your kid.

31) If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must 
(A) Be a natural blond.  Blondes with visible roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens.  
(B) Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs.  
(C) Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular: red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters.  
(D) If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it.  The no-makeup thing can be a big help here.  
(E) Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate.  
(F) Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully.  You will be called on to do this a lot.  
(G) Hang around next to the bad woman a lot: it will make you look pure.

32) Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival.  Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman.  Be ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn.  Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway.

33) Don't take food or drink from any strangers or new people in town.

34) Look at the film credits and paychecks of the other cast members:  the higher the salary and/or the greater the number of films, the more likely that cast member will survive.  Stick with them like glue.

35) Always pay close attention to the dying words of any Scientist, military heavy-weight, or person responsible for creating the monster -- it is at this time only that they will divulge the vital clue for stopping the evil.

36) Above all, remember this: your friends, family, and enemies, they are all expendable / replaceable.

37) You will never be attacked by the monster when you are cradling someone during their dying moments.  This is especially true when the person was violently savaged by the monster.

38) Large corporations or research institutes are NEVER to be trusted.  They will put profit above your safety and the safety of all mankind in order to use the vicious, mutated monster as a weapon.  (This, in spite of the fact that the beast has already cost them billions in men and materials during it's escape from the super-secret laboratory hidden away at the edge of town.)  With their unlimited resources, they are able to hire vast private armies of security personnel, apparently straight out of the nations orphanages, since there are never any grieving relatives to morn them or file wrongful death lawsuits when they are slaughtered by the hundreds during the course of the film, either by the monster or by the hero while breaking into the complex.)  Corporations are also able to mount vast cover-ups which only the hero is able to penetrate.

39) Always use the buddy system.  Also, make sure that your buddy is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are.

40) Don't be a belligerent drunk.  They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering into a deserted room (= deathtrap) to sulk.

41) If you have a twin, kill him/her. They are usually evil.

42) If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed.

43) Being a twin is just asking for trouble. Try and be the good twin, but if it doesn't work out that way, live it up as the evil twin. Might as well have fun while you're attempting to bring about the reign of Your Father, whichever entity that might be (Satan, Yog-Sothoth, whatever).

44) The annoying nerdy guy who "knows the secret of the lake" is probably right, but the good news is he'll also be the first to die.

45) If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at once.  

46) If your family keeps your younger brother chained up in the cellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not intervene.

47) That guy who you think is there to save you is only there to block your other exit.

48) If you are a hunter kiss your butt goodbye because you will always die.

49) When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee.

50) Never visit doctors with last names that imply insanity, death, or evil... no matter how highly recommended they come, you're better off with Kevorkian.

51) If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she says.  For the most part, the main character survives.

52) If someone screams "None of you know what's really going on 'round here," better listen to them.

53) Disabled people usually die, unless they're the main character.

54) If you're a black man in a horror movie, don't even think that you're going to make it out alive...

55) If your name is spelled with a i in place of a y you will be killed sooner or later.  Best to do it yourself than waste the monster's time.  This same rule applies to anyone who's name ends in a vowel.

56) Always listen to the crazy old lady.

57) If you are a teenager, but appear to be in your late 20's, early 30's; be extra cautious, you ARE in a horror movie.

58) If you are a bum or drunk with no connection to the main character, and you see something strange in the sky, you might as well kill yourself quickly.  It's better that way.

59) If you say words such as 'dude', 'like', or 'totally' multiple times each in every sentence you utter, you're most likely going to die.

60) If you find yourself saying something like "guys, this isn't funny" or "I know its you in there," you can bet you're in a horror movie.  Furthermore, you can be pretty sure that you're wrong; your friends aren't playing a trick on you...its the killer / monster.
61) Think of one person and only one person:  yourself!

62) Avoid people wearing black mackintoshes, gloves, and large hats, especially in Europe, especially in Italy.


63) Refrain from voting for any politicians who favor budget cuts and / or work-release programs for insane asylums.

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Demons and Devils and Hell (oh my!)

1) If demons begin possessing your friends, family, coworkers, enemies, passing strangers, etcetera, it is ALWAYS a good idea to leave the area as soon as is humanly possible.

2) Never believe that your companion has truly become "dis-" or "unpossessed."

3) Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person.  This goes double if he / she / it resembles Satan in any way, shape, or form.

4) If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area.

5) If you're possessed, don't eat pea soup - it's a bitch to get the stains out of ecclesiastical robes.

6) Never fool yourself into believing you're powerful enough to contain anything you summoned.

7) Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a successful demon / devil / monster summoning.

8) Keep careful track of the number of times you say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.

9) NEVER say to your friends:  "Whatever you do, don't say _____," and thereby say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.

10) Do not incorporate the magic word that invokes the evil spirit into a catchy tune.

11) Contrary to popular belief, most demons are not helpful and/or loyal.

12) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY!  Demons and Devils and Evil Spirits will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your Deity.

13) Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings.

14) The first thing to do when witnessing a satanic ritual in the middle of nowhere is to tell the wives; otherwise, they're bound to yell out into the night, asking you where you are.

15) NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony.

16) NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything brought forth for the weird ceremony.

17) If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't listen.  The guy who helps the demons always dies.  DEMONS ALWAYS LIE.

18) If you are dealing with demons, don't let anyone out of your sight.  The guy who goes off alone always gets possessed.

19) Don't repeat the Necronomicon spell wrong.  In fact, don't repeat it right either. Burn the damned book and go bye-bye as fast as possible.

20) Never be alone on devils night.

21) If you are asked to help discredit a Satanic cult, decline the offer.

22) If you are already in the process of discrediting a Satanic cult, avoid accepting anything, even if it belongs to you, from the leader of the cult.

23) If you have already accepted something from the leader of the Satanic cult, and it turns out to contain a bit of parchment with runes on it, give it back.  Quickly.

24) If you are protecting a kid who has been marked as the son of Satan by a religious group...Think!

25) If you have a child whose head begins to spin around independently of the rest of their body, start drinking a lot of Holy water.

26) Churches and holy grounds just aren't safe places to be in a horror movie.  Every demon from Pinhead to Pumpkinhead can usually just walk right in.

27) Don't play satanic music and use the lyrics to open gates to hell.

28) Never interfere with satanic rituals.


29) If a guy tells you to say certain magic words when you take a book of the dead from a cemetery, DO NOT FORGET THOSE WORDS!

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Sex

1) If you value your life, stay a virgin.

2) If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow-motion.

3) Never have sex in the bunk-beds of recently renovated summer camps.

4) The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is dead meat.  (This is similar to the War Movie rule about the soldier who shows everyone his fiancee's picture.)

5) The guy with the testosterone overdose is usually dead meat.  And chances are even that he will return from the grave or show up possessed, to make things even worse.

6) Bodily functions are the next best thing to sex in getting yourself killed:  if you have to relieve yourself, hold it in.  Anyone who drops a loaf or urinates either gets slashed in the woods, impaled while in the out-house, or gets sucked down the can.

7) If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible!  The only one who ever survives is a female.

8) If you are alone and see a beautiful woman (naked or otherwise) DO NOT go to her, help her or interact with her in anyway. Play "hard to get"...with a gun if necessary.

9) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house "alone."

10) If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable.

11) Do not plan to engage in sexual activity while a murderer has escaped or a monster is near.

12) Remember, the hot teenage babe you're having sex with will eventually turn into either a vile demon or your dead grandmother, so if you must, be quick and keep your eyes closed.

13) If a the dead prom queen "wants" you, then agree and you'll have saved the lives of everybody.

14) Avoid necrophilia at all times, even when the corpse is reanimated, extremely well-preserved, and clearly wants you in the worst way (so to speak).



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Travel

1) Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

2) If you've hidden from the maniac / spirit / demon / creature and you are not found, DO NOT peek from or decide to leave your hiding place.  If you do decide to leave, CAREFULLY scan the ground for twigs before taking a single step.

3) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice--more if you are of the female persuasion.

4) If your really must run screaming through the woods, remember to dress for it.  Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown and high heels.

5) Even if you are running full tilt and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.  This is a speed / distance trade-off for the occasions when you will be chased by flying creatures or packs of four-legged animals such as dogs or wolves: creatures that would normally run a man to ground in a minute or less will take five to ten times as long in a horror movie.

6) Unless the maniac / spirit / demon / creature is directly in front of you, it is ALWAYS a bad idea to back into, out of any room, building, location.

7) Turning around in general is a bad idea, as the monster is usually waiting right there for you.

8) If your car runs out of gas at night, DO NOT go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.  Likewise, if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion / castle on the hill, STAY in the car.  With the doors locked and the windows rolled up.

9) If your boyfriend gets out of the car to investigate a mysterious sound and after a little while you hear a scraping sound on the car roof, you may (a) STAY in the car with the doors locked and the windows rolled up or (b) put that baby in gear and burn rubber.  You MAY NOT (c) get out of the car to investigate.

10) If you've just finished running over the maniac / spirit / demon / creature with your car / truck / vehicle, KEEP GOING!  Most certainly DO NOT stop, get out, and go look to see if he / she / it is really dead.  (See "THE BASICS", Rule #2)

11) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

12) Keep your car windows rolled up at all times.

13) Stay on the Interstate.

14) If you try to run away, always take the bus.  If you take a car the monster will be in it.  Cabbies are always demonically possessed.  Monsters will destroy any plane / boat you try to take.  And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.

15) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).

16) If you find out that the last owner of the car you would like to buy died in it, do not buy the car!  If one of your friends buys the car, however, it's too late to save him; he'll be dead by the end of the picture.

17) If you try to open the car door, but had to go and get your keys because you forgot them, do not get into the car when you return if the doors are suddenly unlocked and the windows are steamy.  I mean, really!!!

18) Have you ever heard of the tip "Never take an elevator in an emergency"?  Well, consider your options well in ANY means of inner-building transportation in a horror movie. 
(A) For elevators: Never go in an elevator without a main character, and NO MORE than one.  The occupancy should never exceed more than one panicked person.  Be prepared to brace yourself to meet the ground in a uncomfortable manner if alone.  If a computer is after you, avoid the elevator entirely.  Never sigh in relief once you are on board, this is like a siren saying "Here I am!  Here I am!  Kill me!!"  Glass elevators are even worse than regular models when it comes to this mode of transportation.  
(B) For escalators: Never wear any loose clothing that can be caught in the moving metal stairs, or be prepared to know what it is like to go through a large, electric food processor.  Go up the easiest route, not against where the stairs are going.  
(C) For stairs: Take a few aerobics classes if planning to climb steps in a tall building...otherwise plan on having a heart attack and seeing the monster loom over you before you die.  Oh, and close the door leading off of the stair well quietly so that it won't tell the villain where you went!  
(D) General rules: The weight capacity signs should usually be followed.  Green slime dripping down the walls of anything do not indicate it is safe to enter.

19) If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra 5 miles into town.

20) If you decide to run from the monster / maniac / demon / thing WATCH where you're going! If you're running at breakneck speed through an unfamiliar area (city or backwoods) you're most probably going to end up trapped in a dead end, or run off a cliff, or fall in a pit or quicksand, or get hit by a car.  AND, if you keep looking behind you, all of the above becomes much more likely along with the chance that the monster will end up in front of you.  Looking back while you're running never pays off.

21) When you've knocked the killer down the steps and the only way out of the house is over his supposedly dead body, just use the window.

22) Run out the front door and not up the stairs.

23) Never walk or run while looking in any direction other than straight ahead.

24) If you think you're being stalked and you happen to have your cat with you, follow it's lead. If it starts to hiss or act scared, run for it.

25) Stick with the trained dog or cute kid. Neither will be killed and their instincts will generally steer you out of trouble.  You will be dead meat, however, if you are the kid's older sister's boyfriend.

26) Get a fly swatter and kill all of the insects in your house BEFORE using the teleportation pods.

27) When being chased, do not try to get out of the house by way of the dog-door.

28) When being chased by someone or something in a car (while you're on foot)...don't run down the middle of the street!

29) Look before you leap. Otherwise you might land in something nasty like a pool of maggots or sharp wire.

30) If you are being chased by the monster, for crying out loud, don't be stupid enough to stop at a pay phone and try and call someone for help!

31) Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile to relieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences.  Whether by plane, train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league with Satan).

32) Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car."  They won't anyway, and will end up saving you.

33) NEVER ever pick up hitchhikers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in Texas.

34) Never walk backwards!

35) If you are traveling through a wasteland and the locals advise you to go no further that night, DON'T!

36) If you are in a car, the engine stalls, and a murderer is on the loose, you have a 99% chance of dying.

37) If you happen to run into a house with the monster behind you and lock the door, DON'T stay near the door!

38) Modern cars have no soul.  That's why only vintage makes and models seem to get possessed.  Always buy or drive a late model car.

39) Do not drive a car with an almost dead battery to a secluded farm for repairs.

40) Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are seen.

41) If a slow-walking villain (who never runs) is chasing you outside, DON'T run into a house where you lose your advantage!  Stay outside and run down the middle of the street, not on the sidewalk next to the dark, shadowy bushes where he can jump out and get you!

42) Always make sure your car doors are locked before you get out to pump gas! If you don't, when you get back in, the killer will be in your back seat.

43) Know this, if you go off alone to get yourself a beer - you won't live long enough to drink it!


44) If a monster is following you never, never, ever, decide to run up stairs.  It only guarantees that the monster will catch up to you. 

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Splish, Splash

1) Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaphe and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean.  You may as well just drive a giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with your corpse.

2) If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under--DON'T go after them OR peek over the edge of the shore/boat "to see what's wrong."  If you are in a boat, head for shore.  If you're on the shore, head inland.

3) Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny-dipping.  Anywhere.  Especially at night.

4) If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural bodies of water.  If you swim in a pool, you can see what's under the water.  As with the rule concerning skinny-dipping, don't swim at night.  Especially when alone.

5) Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go swimming in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water.  Especially if there are rumors about government "happenings" circulating.

6) No matter how much you're tempted to, no matter how much you want to, DO NOT go skinny dipping in the lake!!

7) Never use the bathtub for naps.

8) If a young girl is afraid of "water things" at camp, do not take part in the regatta.

9) Children do not die in horror movies as a rule but if you are one, avoid swimming in any body of water (Piranha, Jaws, The Dark Age, Alligator, etc...).  Monsters DO eat kids in the water.

10) No matter what they say; Fish DO hold grudges.

11) When swimming at a place you've never been to, look for caution signs.  Search the thick overgrowth carefully for such signage.

12) Enjoy being covered in cold sweat, dirt, blood, mucous, etc.  If you try to take a shower, you will die.  If you wash your face in the sink, you will see the killer's face in the mirror when you stand up...and then you will die.  Or be attacked by the sewer monster through the drain.  Being dirty might be unpleasant but it's better than being dead.

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Miscellany

1) Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.

2) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.

3) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.

4) If your name is Skip, you'd better change it!  If you don't, you will surely die: monsters and maniacal killers cannot stand people named Skip and will always go after anyone by that name.

5) By now you've realized certain attire should be avoided at all costs (Halloween masks, clown suits, badges, etc.) However, none of these can approach the danger level of a wedding dress -- the more old-fashioned, the deadlier.  Don't wear it and run like hell from anyone that does.

6) An exception to the above can be made for your bride-to-be ONLY if in a church full of real people whom you know.  If she shows up wearing it anywhere else, or in an empty church, leave now or expect a honeymoon in Hell.

7) Don't volunteer to be scanned!

8) Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had.  They will inevitably come into play at some point.

9) Never try to trick your friends into believing that YOU are the monster.  If the real monster doesn't kill you, your friends will.

10) Never trust a robot.

11) Do your community a favor and torch the local occult bookstore.  They're usually more trouble than they're worth.

12) Never, EVER, tell anyone where you keep your Mojo.

13) Never be the first or last person in a line, as the last person will be shot, stabbed, killed from behind, and the first person will be killed from the front.

14) Beware of severed limbs.  They will invariably try to strangle, bludgeon or impale you, or inject you with chemicals.

15) If the camera (in a horror movie) focuses on YOU and YOU alone while you are trying to complete a task by yourself, you are going to die.

16) Never consume any part of a dead monster.  It never helps.

17) Never hide or pretend like you're dead to scare somebody.  You're just asking for it.

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The Bad Thing

1) A smile is a beautiful thing, but remember, if it is on the twisted lips of a homicidal killer, it is not a good sign.

2) If you assist the villain of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services.  In fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villain wants as his own.

3) Don't attempt contact with aliens.  Nine out of ten aliens are nasty.  ET was a fluke.

4) Don't ever dig up the corpse of a dead bad guy with the intention of destroying the body.  No matter what you do, he'll come back to life.

5) Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead' villain.  At best, you're not gonna like what you'll see and, at worst, he'll just get up again because he wants it back.

6) If you are battling the bad guy and suddenly find yourself fighting a loved one (dead or alive), kill them immediately.  Do not think that by divine intervention, that the bad guy is whisked away to hell and, for your efforts, is replaced by your dead mother, father, etc...  It's a trick:  just kill them.

7) The monster will never attack until you are aware of it.  Often, it will even wait for you to notice and then work your way up to full-blown hysteria.

8) Remember, the bogeyman exists...even in real life...he always exists.  He may be your boyfriend, he may be your neighbor, he may be the mysterious homeless man in your town, he may be that quiet kid at school, he may be a brutal serial killer, he may have a presidential term, but remember, the bogeyman exists...in many different forms.  After you kill the bogeyman, always remember that the title and/or persona will be, unbeknownst to the inheritor, handed down.  Watch out.

9) The bad guy is never who you think it is.


10) Consider *being* the villain in a horror movie.  If you do a decent job killing everyone, you may live for an indefinite number of sequels.  Even if you die, there's a good chance you'll be coming back.

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Synchronicity

1) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

2) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship.  The guy's dogmeat anyway.

3) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules), never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat.

4) If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid bleeding creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and try to bring back one of the creatures.  You can't.  Get over it.

5) If the lone survivor of an alien uprising on a deserted planetary mining colony is an eight year old girl and she gives you advice on how the aliens operate, DO NOT, we repeat, DO NOT brush off her opinions as the ramblings of a child.  Remember, she was the ONLY survivor.

6) On the off chance you decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking device says the acid bleeding creatures are moving towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire.  Try not to look directly up...

7) When sending an elite strike squad down to the surface of a alien infested planet, leave someone on the damn mother-ship.  Oh and when you leave the planet before it blows up, shut your landing gear.

8) When you walk into a room / house etc., ALWAYS at least TRY to switch the lights on.

9) When you walk into a room / house etc., NEVER even TRY turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet.

10) Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

11) Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighborhood.

12) If you find out that any of your ancestors were burned at the stake for practicing witchcraft, by no means should you EVER: A) move into his old house, B) study any of his experiments or works, C) dig up his grave, D) not immediately burn your family tree and any record of his existence; or he will invariably possess you, kill you, and take over your persona!

13) Never say the killer's name 5 times into the mirror to prove "it's just a story".

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Weapons & Strategy

1) If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair.  Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.

2) If you are using a gun to combat the all-consuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster.

2.a.) Unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload.

3) Never show-off your proficiency with firearms, martial arts, or any other form of self-defense.  When the killing starts, you'll get hit from behind.

4) In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick.  Generators will inexplicably run out of fuel, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid.  Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.

5) A single monster can never be killed.  Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction.  If possible, try to get one kind to go after the other.

6) When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible.  Preferably use all of the above.  And an atom bomb.

7) ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous.  As do most chemical and bacterial weapons.

8) Always make "eye" shots whenever possible as all monsters ignore chest/limb attacks.  If you hit them in the eyes the monster will be blinded.  For a while.  If the creature even has any eyes to shoot at in the first place.

9) Always carry several guns and lots of hollow point bullets.  Shoot everything.  All the time.  Don't even wait.

10) If the monster is set on fire, it will not die but instead try and fight you while it is on fire, setting fire to your surroundings and providing an additional level of danger.

11) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for the one that actually occurs.

12) When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monster's head.

13) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, blow up or otherwise physically obliterate the remaining tissue.

14) Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT!  If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED!  Better you should use it than the monster.

15) Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, and not a stimulant of any kind.

16) If you're gonna go out, don't do it quietly.  Take out those annoying friends of yours with you.

17) Don't explode A-Bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean.  These locations are thickly inhabited with survivors from the prehistoric past.  (Not to mention the blob, giant octopi, etc.)

18) Don't explode A-Bombs in the desert, which are full of many insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms.  As a corollary, don't store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an A-Bomb test.

19) Don't explode A-Bombs near men or women. They may grow to gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas.

20) You will not be saved by the god Plutonium!

21) Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before.  It will not only fail to be effective against the monster in the sequel but will most likely be turned against you.  (Monsters in sequels are students of the source materials.)

22) Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you.

23) If you dream of a serial killer, do not attempt to combat him in your dream.

24) If you manage to find an effective weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it.  You WILL need it later.

25) Never go mano-y-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernible head or limbs, or can infect you with something.

26) Be resourceful.  Whoever came up with the idea of putting holy water in a water gun must have memorized every episode of "MacGyver".

27) If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it.  This is the easiest way to die.  Always empty several rounds into it before assuming it is dead.

28) If you know that an alien creature bleeds ultra-corrosive slime, never fire a big-bore weapon point-blank at it's face.

29) If the first 10 gun blasts didn't do any good, there's a good chance the next 10 won't work either!

30) Never ever fire a gun at the maniac/alien/undesirable other if you have better choices.  If the firearm doesn't jam, it will only make the villain very angry at you.

31) Burn, shoot, or kick ANYTHING strange: "it" is NEVER cute, intelligent, friendly, or interesting if it has ever been dead.  In fact, it should still be that way.

32) Never devise a plan that makes sense:  it will invariably go wrong.  Do something completely random or even hopeless:  unless you're the main character, you're going to die anyway, so try something new.

33) If you accidentally kill the last surviving cast member with an axe, thinking he/she was the monster, get over it and get the axe back....you're still going to need it.

34) If you have a weapon, only use it if the monster isn't expecting it.  Otherwise the monster will just rip it out of your hands and bludgeon you with it.

35) If you are a coward, then you will be given one chance to redeem yourself; a test of bravery that is usually meant to save the main character, so you'll probably die but at least you'll die with honor.  If you fail this test, however, and run away like a headless chicken, then you will most definitely be killed anyway, and in some gruesome yet strangely appropriate way, as well.

36) Never ever try to take on the killer by yourself.  Always call for your backup.

37) Always do what you were planning to do; don't go along with some last minute plan the scientist, the cop, the mayor, the general, or your friend came up with.

38) Squirt all walking plants with a combination of sea water and Roundup.

39) If you stumble upon your dead friend, wife, husband that has a weapon lodged in their back pull it out and use it, don't cry about it and don't hesitate:  they would want you to live and you won't if you hesitate!

40) The less complicated your weapon is, the greater your chances of success.

41) Computer defense systems always fail.

42) The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better.

43) If you're in a Horror Movie, keep an eye on the time!  The further into the movie you are, the more heavy and peculiar weapons you'll need to kill stuff.  This is even more true for sequels, so if you happen to spot a "2", "3" or higher number at the pre-title, search immediately for complicated high-power electrical appliances, large machinery or a BFG.

44) Never rely solely on your gun (no matter how many you have!)

45) Appeal to the villain's ego and get him to explain his master plan to you, since you're "dead anyway."  No one who hears the villain's secrets ever gets killed.

46) Never drop your weapon!  Even when the last monster is dead this is a very unsound strategy.  And don't let the monster leave your sight for a moment.  It will take the opportunity when you avert your gaze to sit up and recover.

47) Become adept at averting your eyes.  Never look directly into anything that includes lights, boxes, mirrors, or creepy books.  Also never look into spooky people's eyes.

48) Never make fun of the monster and say what you would do to it if you saw it (tear his head off, kick his ass, tear his nuts off) because it will do just that to you.

49) If any supernatural entity grants you 3 or any number of wishes, be EXTREMELY specific.

50) After achieving a successful escape or reaching a safe haven, DO NOT gloat in victory over a monster, no matter how sure you are that it can't get you.

51) Shotguns, while sometimes ineffective at killing a monster, almost always work well at slowing it down.

52) If you befriend one monster to help you battle the other monsters, do not think that you can get by on monster power alone.  Without fail, he will be taken out before you can make use of the creature.  Be prepared to fight for yourself...and your life.

53) If your hand, or any other part of your body starts acting weird (tries to hit, cut, maim or kill you), do not hesitate to cut it right off.  Whenever possible, replace with a weapon.

54) On a stormy dark rainy night when your parents go out, never stay home alone.  Go over to a friend's house or invite friends over.  Remember to invite more than two friends.


55) Aim for the head! 

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IT'S ALIVE!

1) Learn as early as possible that Man is a feeling creature, and therefore the greatest in the universe.

2) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you are sure you know what you are doing.  When you are sure that you know what you are doing is when you are the greatest threat to all that is sane and holy.

3) If you absolutely must experiment with re-animating the dead, never try to create the perfect woman from various gender-proper parts.  By no means should you give her the heart or head of your dead girlfriend with hopes of bringing her back!  In this instance it is much better to have loved and lost than to...well, you get the picture.

4) If your roommate at med school develops a reagent for re-animating the dead immediately drop out!  Pursue a career in fast food--anything--but by all means never, EVER, lock yourself in a basement / morgue / vault when you test it on a dead body.  Refrain from testing it on more than one body at a time and DO NOT let any of the failed experiments escape!

5) If you permit failed re-animation experiments to escape (by disregarding the previous tip) they will undoubtedly group together and come after you with tools!

6) ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets.  NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing!

7) When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough in gene-splicing, pull the plug on the project or resign as C.E.O. of the corporation.

8) Do not create life:  it's never properly grateful and will eventually kill you.

9) Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a REAL bad idea.

10) If you ever pull the plug on a scientist's experiment, he will go mad and do the experiment anyway, with the intention of slaughtering you and all of your loved ones.


11) When it comes to transplants, two heads are NEVER better than one!

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First-Aid

1) If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, abandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many antibiotics you take, yer gonna develop a taste fer "brains!"

2) Never try to rescue your half-eaten companion.  Remember, if more than his/her foot or hand is eaten, he/she is basically dead!  There is no way that a person who has lost half of his body is going to recover and lead a productive life.  Shoot them in the name of mercy and move on.

3) When your loved one is infected/assimilated/zombified/possessed or whatever--and someone grabs your arm and says 'It's too late for her/him'--BELIEVE THEM!  Shoot the former human and/or provide them with the best cremation that circumstances permit.  Say a word or two, cherish a memory BUT get the hell away from there as soon as possible!

4) If you are the main character, take the time to learn basic first aid, as you WILL break / sprain / strain / lacerate / dislocate some part of your body as you are fighting or running from the monster.

5) Never allow yourself to be in bad physical condition.

6) Never take any medication -- its either going to make you too drowsy to escape or will somehow get switched with something fatal.


7) Nine out of ten times "First Aid" is synonymous with "Last Rites."

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Telephones: Reach Out & Touch Someone

1) Never answer the phone in a horror movie.

2) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is.  Leave!  IMMEDIATELY!

3) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.

4) If a jerk starts harassing you on the phone: hang up.  Star 69 is there for a reason.  Use it, call the police, and get your rifle out of the gun cabinet.

5) Caller I.D. is free nowadays--especially when compared to funeral arrangements or lengthy hospital stays.

6) If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavily on the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you.  And never never, never, say "come on over, my parents are gone for the weekend."

7) If you ever come across the phone number of an organization designed to help with a particular sort of monster, write it down and put it in a safe place.

8) If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house.  It's coming from below/above or the room next to you.

9) Don't bother to pick up the phone because invariably the line will be cut or dead, or there will be an evil voice coming from it.  (If you are real unlucky, there will be something nasty protruding from the mouthpiece or earpiece.)

10) Don't call phone numbers that say EVIL or HELL or KILL or have any other sinister arrangement of letters/numbers in them.


11) If you answer the phone and somebody says "Have you checked the children" don't do it.  Get out immediately and run for the police.

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 Attitude is Everything

1) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way.  Be a believer.

2) People driven by vengeance always die.

3) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones, will get you killed.

4) Feel no guilt.

5) Don't be a smart-ass.  It'll only get you killed.

6) The boogieman IS coming to get you, so you better start believing in him fast.

7) If you get dared to do anything, remember:  Darers go first.

8) When bad guys get angry, they don't make mistakes:  They just hurt you even more.

9) If you have witty lines AND top billing, that's a pretty good sign you're gonna live...

10) ...so Never be funnier than the main character.

11) Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

12) NEVER start crying/whining when the monster or villain has you cornered:  it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and the monster or villain does not really give a damn about you, anyway. 

13) Never announce openly that you're not afraid, you don't believe, or that you're fully prepared.  You're just asking for it.

14) Curiosity kills.

15) If you "have a bad feeling about this," go with it and leave.

16) NEVER casually mention something like, "I have this horrible fear of water/asphyxiation/spiders/dead things/eyeballs".  The villain will bring these up in abundance in your next dream sequence.

17) If someone tells you a tale about a monster that used to hunt and kill people right around this area, don't say that you don't believe it.

18) When you think "this place is spooky," it probably is.

19) Grumpy, cranky old men have a 50/50 chance of survival.  Either you will be violently put out of your misery or you will redeem yourself by coming to your senses in the last 10 minutes of the movie to help stop the monster.

20) Even if you think that you can't stomach it, falling in love with the bad guy is probably better than the way they decide to kill you.

21) If you're a Priest, keep your faith.  You never know when your going to need to make something holy (water, stakes--be inventive).

22) Aliens only abduct people who don't believe in aliens -- so BELIEVE.

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 Loose Ends

1) If you're the the last main character left and people are still hunting for the monster (s), DON'T stand out in the open because you will immediately be mistaken for one with fatal results.

2) In general, since only one or two people ever make it out alive, if the monster appears to be dead but there are more than a couple of folks in your party still standing...be very, very worried!

3) If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

4) Whenever you have just "presumably" slain the monster, villain, etc., do not turn to a fellow survivor for a hug.

5) Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".

6) The monster is never dead until everyone else is!

7) If you should happen to be one of the fortunate few to actually make it through the film alive, NEVER, EVER sign on to do a sequel.  If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes.

8) In a sequel, never EVER go back to the town where the original horror happened.  If you do, you're just asking for it.

9) If the audience doesn't think the movie is over, it's probably not over; so watch them and watch your back.